---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Wed, 24 Sep 1997 18:31:48 -0400 (EDT)
From: howie@lucent.com
Reply-To: dar-list@world.std.com
To: dar-list@world.std.com
Subject: Dar Sillybus (v3.0)


Well, it's been about 5 months since I posted version 2.0 and because
we have a lot of new Dar-lings, and because it has evolved quite a bit
and because it's my birthday today it seems appropriate to issue the
newest release of Dar Sillybus. As always, I'm happy to receive
comments, criticisms, rants, raves, guffaws and groans about it.
Here goes:

I'm happy to announce the first ever Dar Williams bus tour, known as
Dar Sillybus '97. (I apologize for using bulk email, but this is
faster than if I wrote you individually.) We've been working really
hard and have been planning this since February. We have worked with
many agents to pull this tour off without forcing you to endure
overproduced, ridiculous packaging. (On a tour last Halloween we were
talked into a stop in Tinseltown and I think you all know how badly
that ended!) You will be greeted at your arrival by your tourmeisters
Nora and Calamity John. (Nora's the one with the magenta hair wearing
the red sleeveless dress, John has the purple flowers and is wearing
the fez). They'll be serving orange tea once we hit the road.
Unfortunately, we had to stop serving donuts and Mickey's tall boys due
to the sticky mess which always seemed to get left behind. Don't worry
about your family because the babysitter's here for your little tykes.
She's in remarkably good spirits after returning from Newport, but she
has been heard to mumble derisively about someone named Joan. The bus
has all the amenities, including a rest room in the back. For your
convenience, when it becomes available, the "potty on" sign will
illuminate. The CD player in the bus should be fixed in time for the
tour. Yesterday, driver McElla inadvertently drove the bus into a huge
pothole while listening to one of her favorite jazz discs from the 60s.
Something inside the player went wacko which caused her to briefly
wonder, "How did I put Al Hirt on backwards?"

We'll be taking a leisurely and picturesque drive along the ocean
and then move to another place inland after a photo opportunity at a
scenic cranberry bog. When we get to Mortal City we'll stop for lunch
at a quaint local eatery called Sal's II. Don't miss the terrarium right
next to the bar. (Don't ask about the original Sal's - some clean-shaven
suits were investigating an infestation of waterbugs when a suspicious
brush fire burned the place down.) If you're lucky you'll be served by
Abelard. He had been unemployed for a very long time due to a trouble in
his head, but after therapy his self-esteem has skyrocketed and now, when
he meets someone he greets them with a proud "How do! I work!" After
unsuccessfully trying to be a Buddhist, he recently converted to Judaism
and if you're not careful he'll go on and on with stories about "when I
was a goy". For those with a lighter appetite, there's a coffee place
where we can go - uptown. They make a damn fine cup of coffee, but I'd
avoid the pumpkin pie; it's always, well, you know.

After a satisfying meal we'll engage the patented Indy-glow turbo
drive and get traveling again, directly through the hills of Iowa, past
the sprawling, century-old silver corn, cucumber, and beat farms, to
Mercury, Nevada, site of the New Nuclear Mall ("Bring Your Family! Bring
Your Family!"). There's no Wal-Mart there, but it is home to a unique
specialty shop - Our Size Fits All, where, thanks to modern technology,
the same dress which you can put on a Barbie doll can also fit a full
grown person! You can even wear it backwards. Pay no attention to the
almost-familiar looking woman on the soapbox ranting on about when the
revolution comes. She'll disavow it later, anyway. And those glasses!
We're very lucky in that the mall art museum will have two special
exhibits, one of abstract/expressionist painters and the other called
"Vesuvius Revisited: Relics or Biohazard?". There will also be a concert
by musicians playing little-known instruments, the didjeridoo, for
example, and I'm sure you and your fellow travelers will be asking each
other excitedly, "what do YOU hear in these sounds?" If you'd like some
exercise, there's a lake out back where you can rent a boat and row and
row and row. For safety, we'd like you all to go out in twos and to
remember that only one person should be using the oars and that only the
other person should be eating. It will be up to the oarer to remind the
eater, "If I row - chew!" We're even prepared if you overdo it. Should
you end up with Charlie horses, we have plenty of warm fluffy blankets
left over from last Christmas' Carol sessions which you can use to cover
your kinks. There will be no extra charge for this on your Bill.

On our way home we'll take a detour in western NY down some little
dirt roads to catch a glimpse of the Love House. We won't be invading
their privacy as they'll see us coming before we get there. If you look
carefully, you'll see the beautiful gate and fence which took so long
to build, as it was constructed only one post a day! They also raise
terriers there, and on those hot days at the end of the summer, if you
look by the pool, you'll see Yorkies in the water. Our final stop will
be at a dinner theater (which is oddly named, "The Icy Belt") where head
chef Sally LaFiche will be blessing us with her specialty of the house,
after which we will see an award-winning presentation of the ballet, "The
Unicorn". I am obliged to warn you that The Icy Belt isn't in the best
part of town, so you'd do best not to stray from the theater. I don't
want to hear anyone say later that teenagers kick our butts. Yeah, we
used to stop at a little place up the road, buddy, but it really went
downhill. The food became bland, the drinks watered, and the
entertainment was really lame. People would leave in droves, muttering,
"It's a bore in there."

It won't take a miracle to get everyone back to the point of origin on
time. At the end of the tour I guarantee everyone will be so happy and
leave with warm feelings not only for themselves, but everyone else
sharing this experience, and you know, my friends, I got to tell you, as
cool as I am, I like it when it gets that way, though it might break my
heart to walk away. So, make your reservation to get on the bus today -
we can legally carry only 50 passengers and only those who sign up in
advance can get the very organic "Dar Sillybus '97" tee shirts. And let
me stifle any rumors you may have heard, this tour will definitely not be
banned.

A personal note to the angry Scottish gentleman who thought he was signing
up for a Don Williams tour: I am sorry for all the misunderstandings and
am returning your deposit. I'd like to say that I don't believe that the
phrase you actually wanted to use was, "go spit in your hat", and it was
certainly unnecessary for you to send it to me. After all, we already
HAVE a Flem-Tam.

________________________________________________________________________
Howie Lyhte Just when you start to accept
That Life's a bitch
howie@lucent.com It has puppies